Ending a relationship can feel like a part of yourself has been ripped out. What follows can be even more disorienting. It’s one thing to say goodbye to a partner, but it’s another to break the connection you shared.
Even long after the breakup, you might catch yourself thinking about your ex, longing to hear their voice, wanting to share good news or complain to them about a rough day, or simply wondering how they’re doing. Maybe you just want a hug or to simply not feel lost and lonely.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. These impulses aren’t signs of weakness; they’re evidence of a deep emotional bond.
According to attachment theory, romantic connections aren’t just fleeting emotions; they’re psychological bonds formed through mutual trust and shared vulnerability. Like any deep bond, they don’t vanish the moment a relationship ends. Instead, those relationships leave emotional imprints or remnants that can shape how we think, feel, and act long after the relationship ends.
How Long Does Love Linger After a Breakup?
What becomes of these bonds over time? Do they dissolve completely, or do they linger—quietly influencing our inner lives years after the romance fades?
To answer these questions, researchers at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign studied nearly 300 individuals who had been in committed romantic relationships lasting at least two years. Though the relationships had ended, many participants admitted they still felt emotionally connected to their ex. Some said they still longed to turn to their former partner during difficult moments. Others found themselves daydreaming, reminiscing, or even dreaming about their ex at night.
These aren’t just passing thoughts—they’re signs of psychological attachment, and they can persist for years. Similar to radioactive decay, emotional attachments to an ex have an approximate average “half-life” of about four years. That means it often takes about four full years for people to feel half as emotionally attached to a former partner as they did shortly after the breakup.
What Makes It Harder to Get Over an Ex
Clearly, healing doesn’t follow a fixed timeline. Results indicated that some people held on much longer. That was especially true for those who were still in contact with their ex or those who didn’t initiate the breakup. In those cases, the emotional connection could linger for over a decade.
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The way you connect with others in relationships (i.e., your attachment style) also plays a role. Those who crave closeness and reassurance (i.e., anxious attachment) and those more comfortable with intimacy (i.e., less avoidant) were more likely to hold on to their emotional ties.
How to Get Over an Ex
Those who chose to end the relationship typically moved on more quickly. Surprisingly, finding a new partner wasn’t a guaranteed path to emotional detachment. Many people started new relationships while still feeling the pull of a previous bond. However, to help lessen the pull, it’s helpful to cut off contact with your ex.
What may be most helpful is realizing that emotional bonds don’t end simply because a relationship does. Those connections dissolve slowly. That’s not a failure; it’s being human. The simple fact is that the heart doesn’t heal on command.
So if you’re still thinking about your ex months or even years after the breakup, take heart. You’re not stuck. You’re healing. Emotional detachment is not about denying the past, but about gradually reclaiming your future.
Give yourself permission to move at your own pace. Let your healing be messy, nonlinear, and real. The fact that you loved deeply enough to leave a mark means you’re capable of doing it again with even more clarity, wisdom, and strength.
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